A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in. “No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under this particular State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
>Then the biologist was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” “No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner. “Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney’s home he handed him the the bill.
”Four hundred dollars! For an hour’s work?” cried the attorney, ”That’s ridiculous! Why I’m an attorney and I don’t charge that much.”
To which the electrician replied, ”Funny, when I was an attorney I didn’t either!”
Q: What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A: A Volts-wagon.
Q: What’s grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An amateur electrician.
Q: Why did the lights go out?
A: Because they liked each other!
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hertz.
A man with a hearing problem walked into a power plant for a tour. He arrived late and had to join the rest of the group already on the tour. The man was reviewing what he had just told the group. He told the group that they wouldn’t move on until they answered this one question: What is the unit of power equal to one joule per second called?” The man with the hearing problem hadn’t heard the question very well, so he raised his hand and asked “What?” (Note: What = Watt, for those who are not electricians)
Q: What would a barefooted man get if he steps on an electric wire?
A: A pair of shocks.
Q: What did Godzilla say when he ate the nuclear power plant?
A: “Shocking!”
Did you hear about the foolish gardener?
He planted a light bulb and thought he would get a power plant.
An Ohm is a Hindu voltage measurement. Ohmmmmm
Q: What do you call a worm that chews up electric wires?
A: Electro-magnots.
Q: Why was the free electron so sad?
A: It had nothing to be positive about!
Q. Why do fluorescent lights hum?
A. Because they can’t remember the words.
A boy met his friend walking down the street with a whole sack of burnt out light bulbs. He asked him what he was going to do with all those useless bulbs. His friend replied, “I’m going to build a dark room”.
Q. What did the baby light bulb say to the mommy light bulb?
A. “I love you watts and watts!”
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says. “Daddy, I need a new apartment!”
Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a battery?
A: A battery has a positive side.
(Thanks to Steve C. for that one)
Q: Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?
A: Because he couldn’t resistor!!
(Thanks to Sniff for that one)
Conspiracy by Electric Company
DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES
Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic
(Author Unknown)
Updated 8/7/88 W0PN
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these ‘light’ bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK… scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.
Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these ‘sunspots’ and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black ‘holes’ in the surface of the Sun.
As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark… you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called ‘recharging’) or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.
Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them exclaimed, “Oh, no I’ve lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” the other one asked. “Yes,” replied the first one, “I’m positive.”
Printed on an electrician’s t-shirt – “Don’t mess with an electrical engineer. It MEGAHERTZ!“
Ode to the Missing Surge Protector
By Dr. Eugene Ziegler
If a transient hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort
And the access of the memory makes your floppy disc abort
Then the shocked packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash
Then your situations’ hopeless and your system’s gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as fickle as a grouse
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang.
SALES SALES SALES
Inverter control
FAIRFIELD ELECTRICiAN NSW 